When you really look inside

This is one of those posts that most won't have the slightest idea what I am talking about and others I hope will understand me a little better. I have had the hardest time this week, struggling with something so simple as picking up the phone. One of my dearest friends gave birth. This remarkable woman has ministered more to me than all 5 gazillion ministers combined at the church I was privileged to meet her at..and yet I keep putting the receiver down. How I would love to see her and her beautiful baby boy. Does she know I celebrated and praised God for her little one....and yet...... There is another lady who I know KNOWS that I love her and is in so much pain right now and I have picked up that phone just to put it down a thousand times. She has not said a word but I have heard from numerous people about the injustice to her husband and her family. When I truly look inside and allowed God to ooze out all that is rotten and horrible about me I come to only one conclusion....it hurts too much. I walked away where I would not have to continually be in that hurt. I know what I should do, what is RIGHT but it hurts too much. It hurts too much because I can't fix what is wrong. I walked away...they did not. Who is braver? Oh by far and without doubt THEY ARE! I turned my back and said no more. They decided to stick it out and try to make it work. And yet in their bravery they keep getting hurt. Where is the justice? I run into the single Mom that they let go, who is struggling. Who is working in the world she never wanted to work in making less money and struggling more. And then because a lot of my friends still go there, I hear over and over again how bad things are with the media, can't read the words, even the website has not updated in six months. GOOD INVESTMENT IN YOUR MONEY THERE FOLKS! My anger just spews! Different groups are dwindling down to nothing...and yet it is their fault that you have arrogantly come in and broke what never needing fixing! Then I hear about the faithful being pushed to the side and insulted and stepped on. And once again I can't fix it....it hurts too much. Let me pose this question.....if a Shepherd surrounds himself with a group who "yes" him and make him feel better about himself and give him and his family people to "hang" with....who is getting ministered to? The Shepherd or the sheep? Yes, sheep have those problems, troubles, woes and sorrows. Who is helping those who are hurting? I know I can hear one of those idiots now......ooooooh detrimental conduct......Theresa you walked away....How is walking away or failing to minister any different? Well, there is where my own personal struggle begins. In alot of ways I am no better. If I do not take up the cause of Christ without worrying how much it will cost. Again....struggling. However, if what I am being paid to do and what I have been called to do only amounts to having a good time with my closest friends then I have failed the call. And there is truly where my struggle continue. My anger remains. My hurt remains. I love my friends so much. And it is with that overwhelming love I get overwhelmed in their pain. I am a fixer. They are hurting....quit hurting them. It just can get maddening. It also makes me hurt for those who are in charge. What good you could do by simply loving....but I guess it is too high of a cost for you as well.