Moving forward.....

A friend of mine fussed at me for not blogging more. I must admit it is hard to stay up here lately much less blog but I am going to try to be better. Which brings me to my title...I need to get started and start moving forward. I have been in a rut. Yes recovering from major surgery, but emotionally in a rut. I am one of those complicated people that drive you crazy. I love routine for myself. I love knowing what to expect everyday, a set routine and get it done and start again tomorrow. And yet, when I stay in a routine for long, I start going stir crazy and want to shake things up. Not anything drastic, I will change a room or try a new recipe for dinner. (My kids personal favorite....not). If we stay too long in one place we will get stale, slow, comfortable. Lord, don't let me get too comfortable. I don't think there is anything wrong in looking backwards. Memories sometimes get me through the day. But personally, I don't want to go back to the person I was before. She is gone. Coming out of this cancer scare and surgery, I am a different person. I am grateful for it. I am not as scared as much. I am not as people pleasing. Nothing wrong with pleasing people except when it is at your own personal expense. I am delegating more and not trying to be in charge. That is exhausting all the time. I miss so many people that are now in the past who are no longer in my life whether through death or change in life for them or for me. But we must move forward. I want to move forward. I think some people are so hungry for things being the "way it use to be" that they are destined to relive their past. Isn't there a reason it is not that way anymore? Be careful that you don't wish for things in the past so much that you also relive the mistakes of the past. I for one, can feel the burn of my past failures enough that I want that door kept closed! Besides as God promised He opened another door for me. So what does my future have in store for me. Right now, the start of this chapter of my book of life starts out with a blank page. Still madly in love with my husband, still having the two greatest kids in the world! Still very much a child of God because He loved me enough to send His only Son to take my failures in my past and future. His only Son who blesses me with a bright future no matter what happens on this Earth. And a Savior who loves me enough to remind me in His scriptures not to repeat the past but learn from it and do a new thing in the future. Yes, it can be scary but there is something exciting about those butterflies in your stomach and that lump in your throat and even the hair to stand up on the back of your neck. It means you are alive....MOVE FORWARD...go ahead open that door.....you might just love what is on the other side!

I Promise It Gets Easier

That is what everyone says. "I promise it gets easier". Really? I just don't see how that can be. Last week, during surgery I needed my Mom. As I am recovering, I need my Mom. Today, celebrating Mother's Day, I desperately, achefully wanted to hear from her. When Christina, my beautiful niece, graduates this Sunday, she will need her Nana. When Scott gets married next year, I will need my Mom. I could go on and on. Yes, I don't cry everyday as I did. And yes, I can actually look at her pictures without crying, well, sometimes. But the truth of the matter is that I miss her more everyday. This was a woman whom I talked to everyday of my life. Such wisdom and such love just spued out of her mouth. She was just a treasure. No one knew me like she did. What was so amazing about her was that she really didn't do anything that special and yet it was miraculous. She didn't buy the kids expensive presents, she didn't have the money to do all that. Yet, everyday....EVERYDAY she would call them to ask about their day. And she would listen. She hated to shop, she wasn't foo foo and she certainly would not be on the cover of a fashion magazine. No she wasn't one of those Moms. No, she played in the dirt. She would play outside with you..who cares if you got sweaty. She didn't shop, but she was the first one who would get your absolute favorite things when you were sick or if it were your birthday. Oh and her hugs. Mom gave you a hug unlike any other. She wasn't skinny and that made her hugs even better. The best thing about my Mom, I was her only girl. Yes, OH YES, she loved her daughter in law like her own and there was nothing like her grandbaby girls. But I was her daughter. She had every one of my appointments written down. She was so intimate in the details of my life. Not intrusive (and trust me at this point I would love the intrusion). No, not intrusive....involving...interested..attached. I miss her terribly. Especially on this day we celebrate our Moms. Oh, I do celebrate her and miss her so bad. I know she is in that "much better place" everyone talks about. I know she is worshiping my Lord. I know she is in heaven. I know she is in paradise. And I know she is alive and well. And one day I will see her again. But today, I will not. I love you Momma and your daughter misses you so terribly.