Which one is tougher the quiz or the test?

This has been a horrible week. Great way to start a blog I know.....sure I will keep reading......NOT. This has also been a very strange week. Do you want to know what it feels like? It feels like I have walked down the same flight of stairs forever yet this week I keep forgetting about that bottom step and tripping every time. No do not call for the straight jacket but I told someone today as we were crying saying goodbye that I felt like a big blob of jello. She said I was one of the strongest people she has ever met and I said I am glad you think that because right now I feel like a big blob of jello. I wasn't even going to blog tonight until I hung up from a conversation with my son. He is stressed because he has a test and quiz tomorrow that are both stressing him out. I said which one is worse? And then dawned on me that is exactly my life right now.....a test and a quiz. I have been down this road before you know a quiz.....a review of what you should already know but an indepth examination, well, that is a test. I have had those too. Made "A"s and I have failed miserably. Tomorrow I can't afford to fail either one. And yet no matter how hard I study I know at least one will not be the grade I desire. There is no extra credit, no second chance, no parent/teacher conference just the beginning of something so very horrible. Tomorrow I will undergo two tests.....both will determine my future. Both will determine my course. I don't want to take either one. I have studied for both. I know what to expect and yet I don't want to face them. I don't even want to show up for class. There are moments in life that I wonder what my Lord must think of my struggle...my doubt.....my perplexing spirit. I know the scriptures tell us He knows our beginning and our end. He know every hair on my head but I wonder when He made us so complex and yet frail...detailed and chaotic....He had to realize that we would short circuit. We are one jacked up, yearbook full of screwed up people...I wonder sometimes if He still marvels at His children's insecurity. He must smile at us knowing He has all the answers. He is the teacher with the answer key...HE knows the answers. I don't think He laughs at us in times like this...I think He hurts for us that we didn't study harder, skipped class or made fun of the teacher instead of learning. This blob of jello needs to pass Life 101..I need to look on someone's paper...please let me cheat I beg of you....this test...this quiz...is just too hard or could you at least grade on the curve.

OCTOBER 18, 1986 EPHESIANS 5:21-33

October 18, 1986: My Mom, my cousin Erin and myself headed out to Berclair Baptist Church. A very small chapel in Memphis that held no more than 200. 200 is exactly how many guests we had. Mom had delicately rolled my hair the night before. I still had rollers in my hair when we left that morning. When we arrived at the church we finished the last minute touches on the flowers and then headed to the dressing room. Jeff and his Dad hung out that morning, getting some breakfast and just be Dad and Son. We couldn't afford to get married. We couldn't afford to pay for our own wedding and yet we did. Six months...six months or planning and paying off the wedding we wanted that we had to have. It didn't make sense. Everyone told us...why don't you just go down to the justice of the peace. It is cheaper! Yet these two poor kids from the Kingsbury/Treadwell area wanted to get married in God's house. We were and still to this day were very much in love. Jeff wanted gray tuxes and I wanted a gown that "flowed".

We were nineteen....poor...underpaid...overworked.....ten dollars to our name but in love. We didn't know what the future held. We didn't care. We were in love. All we knew is that whatever life would throw at us we would face it together. We had seen how not to be married....how marriages don't work. I remember Jeff telling me that this was forever no matter what, this was forever. I remember taking his hand in front of all our family and realized the moment that I took his hand my hand stopped shaking. Still to this day no matter how scared I am everything is perfect in his arms. It was a beautiful ceremony that Jeff and I paid for ourselves. Every flower, every candle, everything we wore except for a handkerchief from my Grandmother and earrings that were borrowed. Jeff's Dad paid for the reception and Jeff's Grandmother made all the food. It was simple not elaborate but is was the most beautiful ceremony. It was the day I became Mrs. Jeff Balentine. I have never regretted, doubted, second guess or wondered for a moment how things could have been different. I can't imagine life without my man. Two wonderful children, 3 dogs (one stupid one, Bo of 13 1/2 years RIP and our ZOEY still with us) 15 fish (all dead) one mangy cat (no longer with us),one hamster (rest in peace Melanie) 5 apartments, two homes, three jobs for Jeff and 10 jobs later for me. We have seen friends divorced and die. We have fought disease and poverty. We have had one child to go off to school and get engaged. We have seen both of them grow up way too fast. 22 years of memories, laughter, sorrow, pain, misery, joy and unbelievable contentment and love. 22 years married to my Jeff. I am blessed. I am honored. I am grateful to be his wife. I am grateful to be married to the best man in the entire world.

You Learn Something New Everyday.....

So this was the big week! Megan was going on her first flight. Now for those who fly all the time you are probably thinking no big deal right? Well, for my 14 year old it was a HUGE deal. And I was proud of the fact that her Dad and I made sure it was exactly that. We flew to Chicago and then to Columbus. A little weird schedule I know but it was exactly what was meant to be. So many screw ups and mishaps and this town, this time, this hotel, this vacation was exactly what we needed. The first thing I noticed about Columbus was EVERYBODY seemed to be outside downtown. Everyone was walking around, walking their dogs, women and men jogging at night! Yes, I am from Memphis where you can't even run around your own living room in the middle of the day without fear of getting shot! So this was a shocker! Everyone was nice and kind. I didn't feel fearful. I felt at such ease. The highlight of the week was taking Jeff and Meg Meg to a rock concert. Now you would not think I was grateful for a nagging back but I must admit before the night was over I was praising God for that nagging back. On top of getting out of the "mosh" pit my lovely family was in the middle, the most amazing thing happen. I struck up a conversation with the band's manager whom invited me to sit and watch the show off to the side. The best seat in the house. Then I got to sit by the opening band's members and talk to them about this precious baby girl who has been such a helper and comforter to her Mom over the past couple of years. Who has acted older than her years and taken on extra responsibilities for her family. When the concert was over they spoiled her with attention, signed t-shirts and loads of pictures. It was a magical "Mom" moment. Well, if that wasn't enough while sitting in the lobby here came the same band through the doors. They were staying at the same hotel! I was quickly reminded that just because someone has tatoos, has long hair, sings in a rock band and jumps around on stage like a crazy man it doesn't mean they are drug addicts wanting to molest your daughters. In fact, as I talked to these young men I heard of young boys who miss their families, who HATE college kids who drink because of what they turn to, who are living their dreams. The most impressive thing they did after performing all night and shaking the hands of a thousand people...they called Megan by name. Do you know how that made her feel? Do you know how it makes people feel we are deliberately kind, thoughtful, focused on their needs? It touches a life possibly forever. Maybe some 20 to 25 years from now when Megan's child asked her did she and her parents do anything cool or memorable....I am sure a story will start..."well there was this one night in Columbus......".

Are we insane?

I just looked at the date of my last blog post which felt like just yesterday but here it is ALMOST October 10th (note the time 11:05 pm). My life has been a blur for the past couple of weeks and will not get any better any time soon. I have just now sat down to try to collect my thoughts, pay some bills, clean up the kitchen, feed the dog and try to go to bed sometime here shortly but my mind is just racing. I really do have too much going on in my life. Besides probably...well....THIS...blogging which allows me to organize some of those runaway thoughts..there is not alot I can purposely let go of right now. My life is well crazy! I don't know about you but it just seems life is going at "blur" speed every day. Was it just last month we were celebrating CHRISTMAS and now here it is again...the start of the trifecta holiday season. You know what I mean...Halloween on Aisle 7...Thanksgiving on the bottom shelf ready to go and CHRISTMAS TREES oh yes CHRISTMAS TREES already out for sale. I was struck with amazement while shopping that Halloween which is not until the 31st is ALREADY on clearance and CHRISTMAS is on standby. There are signs that LAST CHANCE for your Halloween supplies. SERIOUSLY???? We are in one of the worse financial diseased market...well ever...and you actually think marking down the "solar powered blood cover skull that is animated and says 142 gazillion different sayings" will get me to buy it. I need a few bags of candy (check) which I can get at any store YES even on October 31st! Have we lost our freakin' minds? Now I am THRILLED to death I bought gas today for $2.99 a gallon in Covington but I promise you I am not going to spend $150.00 on an animated "ring" girl who crawls on your floor and moans and groans. WHO THE HECK HAS THAT KIND OF MONEY TO WASTE? Lying politicians, gas prices out the roof, food prices soaring and let's spend money on Halloween SHEET SETS. This world has gone freakin' insane! Well I will stop ranting long enough to say if you want a lit up house on Halloween night don't come by my house, the most I will have to offer you is a little "mini" sized candy bar, well that is if I am even home! Good night!

Can you carry my load?

I know my blog has had a sorrowful tone here lately. I try so hard to keep pushing through all the mud and muck just to breathe some nice clean air for a short time. And trust me, sometimes the air is beautiful. A laugh with my beautiful daughter, a hug from my husband, long intelligent conversation with my son, lunch with friends, even just to look at your cellphone that you can't pick up and see someone who cares about you calling.....beautiful breath of life. There are times in my life right now I hear the sheet rock cracking. "Are you o.k.?", I am asked over and over. My response? Over and over....yeah I'm o.k. Don't get me wrong this is not one of those "come down from the ledge" blogs. I know painful and I know dark. I know fatigue and I know confusion. But I don't know hopeless and defeat. There is a difference. I think, especially Christians, believe we are suppose to face life's challenges with big ol' smiles on our face saying "God is love and there ain't nuttin' gonna get me down!" Oh yes, God is love...but babies die, cancer hits family members, stock markets tumble and ruin lives, people cheat and lie..life happens. It is in those moments we choose to look challenges straight in the eye and say "yes you scare me but you won't break me" or you can curl up in the fetal position and live your life in utter defeat. In the past twenty four hours, with my world spinning out of control, I have had three different people to say will you carry my load? Two just thrust their loads upon me but one asked me would I carry it? How could I refuse? I love this person so very much. Why would I not? But what if once you receive this "load" you don't want it. And as you analyze my thoughts please do not "overspiritualize" this and just say "God will help you carry it". I mean absolutely no blasphemy by this at all! He can do just that....my God can allow me to transfer the load given to me to Him. But this time I think He wants me to do more than just carry.....what it is I am suppose to do with this I am not sure. My husband can love me through this. My children can understand. But there is only one who can help me sort through all the mud and muck into that beautiful air that I so long to breath once again.