Rockband, caberet and alot of nonsense

My sweet Aunt said please let us know about Christmas Eve! There is a weird atmosphere around Mom that is almost palable. I have told my Mom that I needed to get real for a moment in my blog and I had her blessing. You know on those sitcoms when someone is hooked up to lifesupport and the entire family is standing around the bed just waiting on the person to take their last breath. That is how my Mom feels all the time. Mom, what are you doing? Mom, what can I get you? Mom, SIT DOWN, we will get that for you? Mom, Mom are you o.k.? Why are breathing like that? Yes, the doctors have not given her much time but she is still alive! I feel like I am constantly her referee for living. (whistle blowing.....two yards penalty for too many questions of her...back off). I know everyone means well and love her so much. But sometimes it feels we are "death" watch instead of allowing her to live every moment to the fullest. That brings me to Christmas Eve. I decided to ball my eyes out before she arrived......Check!...got that over with. Then I decided no matter what I would not let this evening turn to sorrow. SHE made sure of that! My sweet niece Christina who is a gorgeous Senior in high school this year decided to play a few Christmas songs for Nana on the keys! She is so talented. Mom just smiled and soaked up every moment. Well, then my brother Steve decided it was his turn! He can't play ANYTHING but that didn't stop him. We heard the most unusal versions of Christmas songs. But boy did we laugh. I mean gut splitting, tears streaming, laugh out loud laughter. THENNNNN yours truly decided to buy a few uh things for our dirty santa swap. Our poor brother Tony opened every "female" gift in the bunch...then his bald self opened the hair brush! But finally he got the right one when he opened the MID!!! If you don't know what a MID is well...email me and I will be glad to tell you! I thought I was going to hit the floor laughing! What a good sport! And then we broke out the Rockband while Mom took all the girls into a room and we talked about everything dating, husbands, boyfriends (for those of not married), love, sex, life, marriage and the pursuit of happiness. Young and old didn't get bored or fall asleep...we talked and talked. As I said by my previous blog, Mom was pretty insistent about who entered that room! Those MEN! Lots of food (Zoey appreciated every mishap..she was a canine vaccum). At the end of the evening, I was exhausted and full. Yes full of food, but full of Christmas, love, family and just an overwhelming sense of connection. These people are mine! We will be forever connected and I am so glad. Yes, this is my family. My brother Tony works long tough hours with his hands to support his family. He can read my mind and has the heart of a King. Debbie works with children and it is exactly what she needs to do. She takes care of even those who are cruel to her. Her heart is huge! What a servant! Johnathan is a stud and loves life LOUD..cars, games and girls! He is so funny. Christopher is a helper...he loves to help. He stayed in the kitchen with me helping me clean up and he loves hugs. He wants you to know how much he loves you. Christina is the thinker and so creative like her father. She is beautiful and has grown into a very assured young woman. She wants to teach. She doesn't care how much trouble for so little money...it is her dream. There is Michael, the pursuer. Still searching but doesn't mind the challenge. He wants to be involved and takes care of his family. Steve the always comedian! He can make you laugh in the toughest situations. I have to say I always look at Steve as the baby....but when I saw him taking care of Dad so selflessly I told Jeff I have a new respect for him as a man! Thank you Steven! And then there is my own of course. I could type a book over Scott and his absolute respect, genuine care for those he loves. It is like he is years older than he is. Megan whose heart is full. She needs to know you are alright and won't stop until you are. They both GET it. They both are just the joy of my heart. Then of course there is my Jeff. Jeff is the kindest most selfless man I have ever met. He is so thoughtful. He can still my breath when he takes my hand and can stir my very soul when he can look at me like he does and I don't have to say a word. HE just knows. I am blessed beyond anything I can possible attempt to say. It all started of course from Jim and Doris Graves. My Mom and my Dad whose sacrificially loved us and through them, I have all I just stated. What a family! How was our Christmas Eve with my Mom. Oh we lived....cancer did not take a thing away from that evening!

Has it been that long?

Has it really been since the 10th that I have blogged? So many of my family members read this crazy thing to keep up with me and my family. My apologies but my life has been upside down. There is little time to breathe must less blog. But blogging is what I must do tonight on Christmas night as I try to gather some thoughts. Last night, we spent Christmas Eve with my family. My Mom knew this would be her last Christmas Eve with her family. It was on everyone's heart and yet for a moment a brief couple of hours there was no mention of cancer or of death. There was only laughter LOTS of laughter. And a fantastic "girls room only" talk that I know will be in mine, Debbie's, Brandi's and Megan's memories forever. My Momma would not let anyone in that room who well let's just say we reminded anyone with a certain body part that they were not allowed in the room! Like I said LOTS of laughter. And then I soaked up every bit of wisdom, reminiscing and passion. She loves her family so deeply. The night was perfect until she was leaving when she collapsed. Quickly we were reminded that her little body can't take much. The night was wonderful though even in spite such an ending. As I was preparing my Scott's and Megan's Christmas..the tears started but I shook them off...and replaced them with a wandering mind. I glanced at my beautiful Christmas tree and immediately found myself thinking of that first glorious Christmas. Not in a majestic silent night sort of way but in a practical sense. How absolutely surreal this must have been for Mary. If the bible is 100% true and there is no room for doubt then you believe as I do that God himself was the Father of this baby Mary was carrying. NOONE on earth could validate her story..noone. Yes, the baby (John the Baptist) leaped for joy in Elizabeth's belly but that could be dismissed as hysteria..who could truly defend this teenage girl's pregnancy? How she must have felt that night? How scared she must have been. I know at age 20 I didn't have the slightest idea what birth would feel like or how I would take care of this little one they called my son. But for this young woman in a far away land, with only her husband and a bunch of stinky animals how strange this must have been. Why her? Why him? She didn't have a clue what the next 33 years of her son's life would take him. But in this moment in this Holiest of moments, she was a teenager delivering her first born with all the pains, tears, joy and anticipation any other first time mother would have except with one MAJOR exception. She would be the only woman ever to give birth a virgin. And so it began one silent night thousands of years ago. My Savior and My King was born. The same baby I am celebrating tonight being born is the same One who came down tonight to comfort me. The same one who came on this earth as a pauper blessed me with so many blessings. Celebrate the one that was born in a manger not with royal linens or with pomp and circumstance that He so richly deserved but arrived in a barn to a teenage Momma and a trusting Stepdad that we may have life and be rewarded in earthly death because of His undeserving death on a cross. O Holy Night the stars are brightly shining this is the night of our dear Savior's birth! Merry Christmas everyone!

What day is it?

It has been a very long time obviously since I have posted. My life has been topsy turvy for the past couple of weeks. My days have started running into each other. It seems the moments are piling up on top of each other. We have had family coming in to say goodbye to my Mom, preparing hospice, dealing with hospice, preparing work, preparing work, preparing family....preparing. Today, my Dad and I went to finalize arrangements. The blessing and curse of knowing approximately when is that you can prearrange everything where you won't have to deal it afterwards...the curse....well the same thing...dealing with it. Now, my precious, loving, courageous Mom still reads my blog so I will not mention today's happenings just to say that it is incredibly sad how much death has become a big business. It is infuriating that a group of actually really nice people try to act like they have known you forever. Don't get me wrong....extremely kind and compassionate people but quite frankly I don't want to know these people. I don't want to have anything to do with them. Afterwards, I was once again able to spend some precious time with my Mom. I am learning almost daily new things about her...about the woman who is my Mom. For instance...she lied on her wedding day to get married to my Dad...how romantic is that?? Yes...I did say romantic. Mixed in all the old school certificates and pictures I found my Mom's poetry. My Mom is a poet. It is so cool to read her thoughts on paper. She is really good! I know this will bring great comfort. If you read my blog for ANY reason please pray for my precious Mom......What cancer struck down, God will make whole and complete!