Transformed.....I want either a Tat or a Trip...which one causes less pain?

I know it has been forever! Started blogging again tonight in hopes of trying to put some of rapid thoughts to paper and therefore get them out of my brain. My life has been a blur the past few months. My daughter turning sixteen, my son and future daughter in law graduating from college. The wedding just around the corner. I don't know if I am coming or going. But tonight...tonight I decided to be all about God and His business. From cooking dinner to bible study to finally dialing a phone I wanted to be all about Him. I called my sweet Aunt Yvonne tonight. I must admit over the past 1 1/2 years (yes I did say years) it has been difficult. She looks like (short and such a southern beauty), sounds likes (slow southern draw and the Jesus, Jesus, Jesus) my Mom. I don't know how many times I have picked up the phone to call her only to click the "phone off" button. Why? I don't want to talk about my Mom, I don't want to hear my Mom and I don't want to hurt. For those who still can't believe a year and a half later that somehow I can not get over this (for those who understand ....I love you and thank you). Well, I guess for those who can't, you are just not too close to your own Mom or Dad). Yesterday was Mother's Day, I went to some grassy lot in the middle of Oakland to listen to a wind chime and place the prettiest yellow flowers on her grave. I know she is not there. Yet, underneath that grass and those pretty yellow flowers is the shell that once was my Mom. I miss her smell. I miss her voice. I miss her wisdom, I miss her eyelashes ( they were so long and pretty). I miss how she would run her fingers through my hair and ask me how my day was. I miss my Mom. Two Mother's day down and I still hate Mother's Day commercials. They make me wanna throw something hard at the TV. I am sure Jeff would be quite upset with me if I threw something at the Samsung..... So tonight I was about God's business. No pat on the back necessary. I should have done this months ago. Because after hearing my Aunt's slow southern draw and listen to her talk about lovingly about her family, her sister and me...I felt like I had a big ol' hug from my Mama. We agreed in theory to talk once a week. Thank you Lord for gripping my spirit so tonight that I could not have gone to bed without speaking with this precious lady! You know that moment at the end of Cold Case where you see the ghost of whomever is dead for that particular episode smiling at the finality of it all. I could see my Mom smiling at the fact I was all about God's business tonight. So back to my rat race of a life. Did I mention my beautiful daughter turned sixteen. Why? Seriously..why must I allow her to drive on the road. People are not listening TO OPRAH! They are texting and talking and putting my teenager's life in jeopardy. Seriously QUIT IT! Did I mention my son and his future wife graduated from college? Oh yes.. they did. I know this must be such a load off of them...just to pick up another one.....MARRIAGE! Did I mention they are getting married? My Scott and my Brandi married? June 19th to be exact! It will be a gorgeous southern affair...outdoors and all. I got a dress....not if I could just suck out about 65 lbs before June 19th, I would be thrilled! But since that is NOT going to happen..Thank God for SPANK!!! NO it will not rain...thank you for asking! Whether it does or not at about 4:01ish she will walk down that aisle. My Scott will look at her and all her beauty and he won't be able to catch his breath. His heart will pound..they will both cry. And somewhere between 4:17ish and maybe 4;30ish...I will be a mother in law. A treasure she is. I want to be a great mother in law. I don't ever want to make her cry. I don't ever want her to feel offended. I don't ever want her to feel anything but accepted and loved. I want her to feel like she has a second Mom. I want Pat and Chet to be relieved that she has us in her life. Oh that is my prayer Lord! So with all that has happened I have been thinking I need a completely off the wall, romantic, news worthy, adventure of a life time trip or a tattoo?? Which one do you think would hurt less? Until next time....remember live life with no regrets because you didn't regret anything! Life is an adventure!

First Blog 2010

So this is my first blog of 2010! I can't believe it. So much has happened since my last blog. For those who are reading my blog to learn about me...well let's see I am about to have a driving sweet sixteen, two graduating College Seniors and a wedding in my very near future! It is going to be a great year! I have a whole load of topics I want to blog....passions if you will about me. So I hope you will join me in 2010 as we face this adventure together. Thanks for reading!

Moving forward.....

A friend of mine fussed at me for not blogging more. I must admit it is hard to stay up here lately much less blog but I am going to try to be better. Which brings me to my title...I need to get started and start moving forward. I have been in a rut. Yes recovering from major surgery, but emotionally in a rut. I am one of those complicated people that drive you crazy. I love routine for myself. I love knowing what to expect everyday, a set routine and get it done and start again tomorrow. And yet, when I stay in a routine for long, I start going stir crazy and want to shake things up. Not anything drastic, I will change a room or try a new recipe for dinner. (My kids personal favorite....not). If we stay too long in one place we will get stale, slow, comfortable. Lord, don't let me get too comfortable. I don't think there is anything wrong in looking backwards. Memories sometimes get me through the day. But personally, I don't want to go back to the person I was before. She is gone. Coming out of this cancer scare and surgery, I am a different person. I am grateful for it. I am not as scared as much. I am not as people pleasing. Nothing wrong with pleasing people except when it is at your own personal expense. I am delegating more and not trying to be in charge. That is exhausting all the time. I miss so many people that are now in the past who are no longer in my life whether through death or change in life for them or for me. But we must move forward. I want to move forward. I think some people are so hungry for things being the "way it use to be" that they are destined to relive their past. Isn't there a reason it is not that way anymore? Be careful that you don't wish for things in the past so much that you also relive the mistakes of the past. I for one, can feel the burn of my past failures enough that I want that door kept closed! Besides as God promised He opened another door for me. So what does my future have in store for me. Right now, the start of this chapter of my book of life starts out with a blank page. Still madly in love with my husband, still having the two greatest kids in the world! Still very much a child of God because He loved me enough to send His only Son to take my failures in my past and future. His only Son who blesses me with a bright future no matter what happens on this Earth. And a Savior who loves me enough to remind me in His scriptures not to repeat the past but learn from it and do a new thing in the future. Yes, it can be scary but there is something exciting about those butterflies in your stomach and that lump in your throat and even the hair to stand up on the back of your neck. It means you are alive....MOVE FORWARD...go ahead open that door.....you might just love what is on the other side!

I Promise It Gets Easier

That is what everyone says. "I promise it gets easier". Really? I just don't see how that can be. Last week, during surgery I needed my Mom. As I am recovering, I need my Mom. Today, celebrating Mother's Day, I desperately, achefully wanted to hear from her. When Christina, my beautiful niece, graduates this Sunday, she will need her Nana. When Scott gets married next year, I will need my Mom. I could go on and on. Yes, I don't cry everyday as I did. And yes, I can actually look at her pictures without crying, well, sometimes. But the truth of the matter is that I miss her more everyday. This was a woman whom I talked to everyday of my life. Such wisdom and such love just spued out of her mouth. She was just a treasure. No one knew me like she did. What was so amazing about her was that she really didn't do anything that special and yet it was miraculous. She didn't buy the kids expensive presents, she didn't have the money to do all that. Yet, everyday....EVERYDAY she would call them to ask about their day. And she would listen. She hated to shop, she wasn't foo foo and she certainly would not be on the cover of a fashion magazine. No she wasn't one of those Moms. No, she played in the dirt. She would play outside with you..who cares if you got sweaty. She didn't shop, but she was the first one who would get your absolute favorite things when you were sick or if it were your birthday. Oh and her hugs. Mom gave you a hug unlike any other. She wasn't skinny and that made her hugs even better. The best thing about my Mom, I was her only girl. Yes, OH YES, she loved her daughter in law like her own and there was nothing like her grandbaby girls. But I was her daughter. She had every one of my appointments written down. She was so intimate in the details of my life. Not intrusive (and trust me at this point I would love the intrusion). No, not intrusive....involving...interested..attached. I miss her terribly. Especially on this day we celebrate our Moms. Oh, I do celebrate her and miss her so bad. I know she is in that "much better place" everyone talks about. I know she is worshiping my Lord. I know she is in heaven. I know she is in paradise. And I know she is alive and well. And one day I will see her again. But today, I will not. I love you Momma and your daughter misses you so terribly.